I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
