I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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