you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
