the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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