We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
