You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
