this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
