Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It's never too late to be topless.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
