Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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