It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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