u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
