I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I party with great urgency now.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
