I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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