I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
