Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Randomize
