i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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