How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
