Moan for me like Helen Keller
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
