Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
