just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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