i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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