My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
