Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
