I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
