Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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