Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
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Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
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Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize