if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
