I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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