Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I need moral support for this bender
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
