Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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