I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
