Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I deserve this hangover.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
