Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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