remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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