sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
