Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet