I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
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Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
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you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.