I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I think this conversation is over.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is