what day is it and did you see me today?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.