If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.