smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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