she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
