you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
