I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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