so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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