Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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