I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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