a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
