They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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