I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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