He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
