She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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