I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
