Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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