Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
