Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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