I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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