genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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