That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
