Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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