based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
My breasts were aching with rage.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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