This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
