You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
