Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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